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Monday, June 3, 2019

Mood of the Moment: Dracarys

I recently learned that some people have betrayed my trust. People are actively stabbing me in the back for their own personal gain. People who I have never wronged in any way except for the fact that apparently, I am in their way.  

My first reaction was shock, followed by disappointment and anger. I have been nothing but supportive of these people. I have gone above and beyond for them. It made me wonder what kind of relationship to have with the people concerned knowing what I do now. At this point though I don’t know what I should do moving forward. 

So far, I have not done anything with what I’ve learned, but I have been very conflicted about how I feel about it. Part of me wants to confront the people concerned but what is the point in that? They would most likely deny it anyway. It would only make me feel more disappointed, even angry. I don’t want to approach the situation in anger because nothing good ever comes of that (uh, Daenerys Targaryen anyone?). 



One other thing I’m considering is walking away from the people who betrayed me and the situation that has brought us all together. But in doing so I would also be letting down other people who trust and depend on me. Should I walk away from people who betrayed me and let go of the other people who have done nothing wrong and have put their trust in me as well? 

I remember this one friend who once told me that I need to learn to “look out for number one.” I know that I can do that. It’s just that I know that if I walk away, the healthiest thing to do will be for me to walk away completely. I could look out for myself, leave other people to fend for themselves and call it self-care. It’s just that I feel that doing that makes me feel selfish and bitter about the recent turn of events. I don’t want to be selfish or bitter. Life it too short to have and live with those feelings. 

Still, I wonder if this is a sign that it is time for me to expand my horizons beyond the people I have surrounded myself with and what I have been used to all these years. Maybe this is my opportunity to take some of the time and effort I give to go above and beyond for others to do the things I have always wanted to do for myself. 

It’s been a challenge acting like nothing has happened since I found out what I did. Some might say or think that I’m being fake or plastic by doing this, but I feel that acting like nothing has happened while I haven’t decided my next steps is the mature and smart thing to do. My heart feels heavy though. It’s hard to relate to someone and know you can’t trust them even if they act like you can. Even if for a time you thought you could. 

My life feels like I’m on Survivor right now. I don’t know who to talk to, I don’t know who to trust. Do I stay on the island or quit while I’m ahead? Or do I wait until I’m voted out and can do nothing about it? Should I go make my own island?

I’m so confused right now. I need someone to tell me what to do or at least give enough insight for me to be able to decide. I just know that I can’t stay undecided for too long because emotionally I know it will take a toll on me. All I know for sure right now is that I deserve better than to be treated this way. 

What would you do? My inner dragon (I am a Year of the Dragon girl, FYI) is steaming a bit on this one.
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