Monday, July 26, 2021

The Down Side

Recently I have been feeling down. Is it a bit of depression? I'm not sure. Maybe. I have been shutting myself in my room whenever I am home more and more these days because I have been feeling low. I don't want to bring anyone else down. 

I have been feeling dissatisfaction in the workplace. There are so many things that have made me sad about the place that I have been working for almost all of my adult life. I am no longer happy, but at the same time, I cannot bring myself to let go. Especially not now that there are other people out there who are having a difficult time during this pandemic to get and keep jobs. It feels unfair to give up when so many others are struggling. No matter how much my frustrations make me cry sometimes, I know I cannot just let go. I have people who depend on me too, so that is a choice that is not easy to make.

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

Another thing that I have been struggling with has been in terms of creativity. I have been trying to write more but it has been a struggle to do so. The one book I have been trying to write only has 3000 words so far and my blog posts have been sparse. The low feeling has made it difficult for me to express myself without constantly second-guessing myself. I am trying to force it out of me, as writing has always been my outlet to de-stress/de-compress but it is still hard. I'm taking it one day at a time.  I thought maybe if I can let it all out here I can let it all go and (hopefully) feel better.

Lately, I have also found it hard to look at myself in the mirror. I have struggled with dressing up and taking care of myself lately that I have to force myself to make an effort to look nice when I go off to work. It's as if all I see in the mirror is someone who is not happy with herself and that is a difficult thing to face. There is so much I want to change with my life. I am trying but nothing seems to change anyway. 

It is frustrating and tiring to try to be OK to the people who depend on me to be OK. In reality, OK is the last thing that I would say I am right now. There are four words that work best: tired, frustrated, isolated, unhappy. 

People I have shared my troubles with have told me that I am strong. That if they were in my place, they wouldn't be able to handle the things that I have gone through in my life. I do what I can with everything but every day is a struggle. Even strong people have their breaking points. Strong people get tired too. Sometimes I want nothing more than to curl up in bed and stay there but life, as they say, goes on...I have to keep going along with it. 

Putting on a mask to stay strong and go on every day is hard. Sometimes I want to just let it all out, break down, and cry -- but what good would it do? Right now my thinking about this is to "fake it until you make it." I will pretend to be OK and happy until I actually end up really feeling that way. I'm trying my best not to wallow in the melancholy, but that is easier said than done.

I have decided that one way to get out of this rut for me is to take time to meditate. I have decided to take a few minutes at the start of every day to meditate and give myself positive affirmations to guide me through the day. I've even gone as far as listening to binaural sounds when I sleep to help me get into the right frame of mind. 

Exercising more is also another thing. I have been working out already, but I am trying to work out even more. Because as Elle Woods said, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy." Really, right now, as that BTS song goes, "I just want to be happier."

BTS is one of the few things keeping me happy these days. If I could give them all a hug of thanks (a challenge since they are in another country and of course, COVID), I would. Those seven guys are the ones giving me little pockets of happiness that distract me from the way I am feeling at this point. I love the pleasant distraction of their music and their videos. They truly make me smile when I need them most. All those happy and positive-laden endorphins come out when I see or listen to these guys.

This post was written not to make people feel the way I do. It's not to make anyone feel sorry for me. I guess what I want to point out is that we all have our low moments. We all have to go through them and face them. Not every day will be sunshine and rainbows. We need to deal with the rain too.

Eventually, the light will shine through again for me. I believe that.  Just give me time. And maybe a little more of BTS.


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